Move Over Clint, Make Someone's Day the Right Way: The Consequences of Social Pain and the Power of Compliments

Move Over Clint, Make Someone's Day the Right Way: The Consequences of Social Pain and the Power of Compliments

“I can live for two months on a good compliment,”—Mark Twain

An old family friend of mine was addicted to criticism. This half-glass empty type was incredibly successful in her career in terms of the money she made, but her home life and relationships told another story. Sitting around the dinner table as the tater tot hotdish cooked in the oven (so very Minnesotan of us), she and her husband regaled me with colorful story after story about how their adult children had screwed up, and constantly berated their children who were present for this lovely family dinner of disdain and hotdish. The children continued to get smaller and smaller as the steam of shame watered their eyes and transformed into anger.  I sat there saddened, troubled and dumbfounded by the Olympic display of shaming as they belittled their offspring for not using the correct utensils to get the salad prepared, and basically criticized the way their children breathed. I could not get out of that house fast enough.

As mammals, we are dependent on our caregivers for our very survival. Because of this, our brains are wired for social connection. In Social: Why Our Brains Our Wired to Connect, social psychologist Matthew Lieberman describes why social connections are even more important that food and shelter. Move over Maslow’s hierarchy of needs! The connection between human child and parent is the most important relationship we will have from a survival standpoint, and our brain is wired to reflect this. The verbally abusive behavior of my former family friend was for her children, akin to a blow to the head and just as destructive. In fact, neuroscientists have found functional MRI scans that the same areas of the brain that light up after physical pain, light up from social pain as well. 

These lessons on social connection apply as much to home life, as they do to the workplace and all other areas of human life.
David Rock, founding President of the NeuroLeadership Institute explains, “People who feel betrayed or unrecognized at work — for example, when they are reprimanded, given an assignment that seems unworthy, or told to take a pay cut — experience it as a neural impulse, as powerful and painful as a blow to the head.” I always use this quote in class when we talk about social intelligence with a picture similar to the one on the right. There are always gaps of horror as my students reflect on the tremendous consequences of our social interactions.

To be effective managers, leaders, parents and humans, we must see abuse whether it is physical or otherwise. And we can’t expect someone to, “just get over it”. As Lieberman describes, “Social and physical pain are more similar than we imagine. We don't expect someone with a broken leg to 'just get over it.' Yet when it comes to the pain of social loss, this is a common — and mistaken — response." So instead, we must learn how to give appropriate corrective feedback when necessary. But if you know a negative Nancy, John or Paul on auto-pilot, steer clear if you can. And even more importantly, recognize people for what they do well. Research also shows that social rewards such as compliments have more of a boost to the receiver than a pay raise. So go ahead and make someone's day in the right way!

Resources

Lieberman, M. D., Jarcho, J. M., Berman, S., Naliboff, B. D., Suyenobu, B. Y., Mandelkern, M., & Mayer, E. A. (2004). The neural correlates of placebo effects: a disruption account. Neuroimage, 22(1), 447-455.

Managing with the Brain In Mind: http://www.davidrock.net/files/ManagingWBrainInMind.pdf

UCLA neuroscientist's book explains why social connection is as important as food and shelter: http://newsroom.ucla.edu/portal/ucla/we-are-hard-wired-to-be-social-248746.aspx