Move Over Clint, Make Someone's Day the Right Way: The Consequences of Social Pain and the Power of Compliments

Move Over Clint, Make Someone's Day the Right Way: The Consequences of Social Pain and the Power of Compliments

“I can live for two months on a good compliment,”—Mark Twain

An old family friend of mine was addicted to criticism. This half-glass empty type was incredibly successful in her career in terms of the money she made, but her home life and relationships told another story. Sitting around the dinner table as the tater tot hotdish cooked in the oven (so very Minnesotan of us), she and her husband regaled me with colorful story after story about how their adult children had screwed up, and constantly berated their children who were present for this lovely family dinner of disdain and hotdish. The children continued to get smaller and smaller as the steam of shame watered their eyes and transformed into anger.  I sat there saddened, troubled and dumbfounded by the Olympic display of shaming as they belittled their offspring for not using the correct utensils to get the salad prepared, and basically criticized the way their children breathed. I could not get out of that house fast enough.

As mammals, we are dependent on our caregivers for our very survival. Because of this, our brains are wired for social connection. In Social: Why Our Brains Our Wired to Connect, social psychologist Matthew Lieberman describes why social connections are even more important that food and shelter. Move over Maslow’s hierarchy of needs! The connection between human child and parent is the most important relationship we will have from a survival standpoint, and our brain is wired to reflect this. The verbally abusive behavior of my former family friend was for her children, akin to a blow to the head and just as destructive. In fact, neuroscientists have found functional MRI scans that the same areas of the brain that light up after physical pain, light up from social pain as well. 

These lessons on social connection apply as much to home life, as they do to the workplace and all other areas of human life.
David Rock, founding President of the NeuroLeadership Institute explains, “People who feel betrayed or unrecognized at work — for example, when they are reprimanded, given an assignment that seems unworthy, or told to take a pay cut — experience it as a neural impulse, as powerful and painful as a blow to the head.” I always use this quote in class when we talk about social intelligence with a picture similar to the one on the right. There are always gaps of horror as my students reflect on the tremendous consequences of our social interactions.

To be effective managers, leaders, parents and humans, we must see abuse whether it is physical or otherwise. And we can’t expect someone to, “just get over it”. As Lieberman describes, “Social and physical pain are more similar than we imagine. We don't expect someone with a broken leg to 'just get over it.' Yet when it comes to the pain of social loss, this is a common — and mistaken — response." So instead, we must learn how to give appropriate corrective feedback when necessary. But if you know a negative Nancy, John or Paul on auto-pilot, steer clear if you can. And even more importantly, recognize people for what they do well. Research also shows that social rewards such as compliments have more of a boost to the receiver than a pay raise. So go ahead and make someone's day in the right way!

Resources

Lieberman, M. D., Jarcho, J. M., Berman, S., Naliboff, B. D., Suyenobu, B. Y., Mandelkern, M., & Mayer, E. A. (2004). The neural correlates of placebo effects: a disruption account. Neuroimage, 22(1), 447-455.

Managing with the Brain In Mind: http://www.davidrock.net/files/ManagingWBrainInMind.pdf

UCLA neuroscientist's book explains why social connection is as important as food and shelter: http://newsroom.ucla.edu/portal/ucla/we-are-hard-wired-to-be-social-248746.aspx

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Why Everyone Loves A Cancelled Meeting

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The Richard Branson Magic Eight Ball: What Would Richard Branson Do (WWRBD)?

“The brave may not live forever – But the cautious do not live at all” 

~ Richard Branson, Like a Virgin: Secrets They Won't Teach You at Business School

There are times in every leader’s life when they could use a little guidance from above, or in this case, from across the pond. I’m currently writing a chapter on heroes and someone who is definitely perched in my top five list of greatest leaders is Sir Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin Group with over 400 companies in his command. I often think to myself in tricky situations (or when I just want to have fun), What Would Richard Branson Do (WWRBD)?

I’m giving Santa and his elves a head start to (1) send me on a trip to Necker Island (Richard’s luxurious abode in the British Virgin Islands) and (2) to create a magic eight ball for everyday use when I’m not hanging out with Richard, or “RB” as I like to call him.

The magic eight ball quotes are all based on things RB has actually said. So, to quote RB, screw it, let’s do it!

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a Richard Branson Magic Eight Ball (and a trip to Necker Island).  To help out your elves, here’s what a normal magic eight ball would say, and to the side, is Richard Branson’s version:

Regular Magic Eight Ball 
• Signs point to yes.
 • Yes.
 • Reply hazy, try again.
 • Without a doubt.
 • My sources say no.
 • As I see it, yes.
 • You may rely on it.
 • Concentrate and ask again.
 • Outlook not so good.
 • It is decidedly so.
 • Better not tell you now.
 • Very doubtful.
 • Yes - definitely.
 • It is certain.
 • Cannot predict now.
 • Most likely.
 • Ask again later.
 • My reply is no.
 • Outlook good.
 • Don't count on it.

WWRBD Magic Eight Ball 
• Do what you want!
• Follow your gut.
• Never get the accountants involved.
• Learn and start again.
• Be true to yourself and your ideas.
• You will make mistakes.
• Enjoy every minute.
• Learn by doing.
• Have fun!
• Invest.
• Take flight!
• Keep it simple.
• Use your emotions.
• Question authority.
• Follow your passions.
• Screw it. Let’s just do it!
• What’s the most amazing way to do it?
• Lick your wounds and get up.
• Take the best. Leave the rest.
• Trust and get out of the way.

Myers-Briggs Type ‘JERK’ and the Dark Side of Leadership

Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.—Carl Jung 

The US Army is finally taking a fresh look at toxic leadership within its ranks and its connection to the suicides of active-duty soldiers. Within the past year, 350 active duty military committed suicide. In addition, it is approximated that a staggering 8,000 veterans commit suicide every year—or roughly 22 per day. Given that we spent 20% of the national budget on defense in 2011, and spent $729 BILLION in 2012, you would think that we would have cracked the code on effective leadership in the US Military, but we are far from it.

NPR released an in-depth report on the renewed focus on toxic leadership earlier this week. Researchers like anthropologist Dave Matsuda were charged with examining why soldiers were attempting and committing suicide in Iraq. In 2010, there were nearly 30 documented cases of either suicide or an attempt. Army investigators would traditionally evaluate the suicide in terms of personal stressors related to family, financial or other personal pressures. Coming from the outside of the military, Matsuda found, “In addition to major problems in their personal lives, the victims also had a leader who made their lives hell — sometimes a couple of leaders”.

These hellacious leaders were referred to as a “Myers-Briggs Type JERK” by a participant in a study relayed by Colonel George E. Reed. In a 2004 edition of Military Review, Col. Reed recounts the efforts of the U.S. Army to tackle toxic leadership within its ranks. While climate assessments were conducted, the data on toxic leaders would often be ignored if they were able to produce favorable results, or it was the toxic leaders themselves who received the data themselves and did nothing with it. I can guarantee that if we added a “JERK” typology to the Myers-Briggs, it would have far greater reliability than the current instrument (more on that in a subsequent post).

The problem with toxic leaders is that they often are in the dark about their own darkness. In an article published in the Harvard Business Review by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatis, and Annie McKee they describe this condition as the “CEO disease” wherein top executives have a complete disconnect between the way they are believed to be perceived and the way they are received: “We found that an alarming number of leaders do not really know if they have resonance with their organizations. Rather, they suffer from CEO disease; its one unpleasant symptom is the sufferer’s near-total ignorance about how his mood and actions appear to the organization. It’s not that leaders don’t care how they are perceived; most do. But they incorrectly assume that they can decipher this information themselves. Worse, they think that if they are having a negative effect, someone will tell them. They’re wrong.”

 In the military, I would argue that the propensity for a leader not to care about what those in their command think is actually valued in an uber macho culture of callousness rather than compassion. Insubordination is not tolerated. At least that’s what I learned by watching Goldie Hawn in “Private Benjamin” when I was five. But this cultural perception has been reinforced by the countless second-hand stories of horror I have heard from the veterans I have worked with over the years. At the darkest time in my life, I volunteered at an adaptive yoga studio working with veterans who had polytrauma—a traumatic brain injury and also, a physical disability usually caused by an explosive device. I have never encountered such bravery and determination in the midst of incredible struggle. All my problems were instantly minimized in the glow of working with these incredible men who had sacrificed it all for a negative return on their investment. We cannot take away the risk of shrapnel, or grenades from enemy lines unless we end all wars. But we can no longer ignore the wars from within created, manufactured and amplified by toxic leadership. While the visible wounds hurt and sometimes can never be fully healed, the invisible wounds caused by toxic leadership cut down deep into the psyche and shake us at the core.

As always, the first step begins with us. We must first confront the darkness within ourselves to bring light into our organizations, and lead by example. And if the U.S. wants to be a leader with respect in the world, we must start from within. The military is a really good place to start, and start again and again until we get it right.